Chillax

WARNING: this post got WAY longer than intended.

When I started reading Lola and the Boy Next Door, I popped on over to the author's blog site.

(on a random side note - her agent is the first agent I ever queried. And, uh, no, I did not sign with the first agent I queried. Ahem.)

Stephanie Perkins (author) was talking about how she was working on Isla and the Happily Ever After, and really wanted to slow down and take in the whole story, and really know and feel each and every part of it. She used the word daydream, and I totally got that. I love daydreaming about my people.

Why can't I do that more?

I mean. I do, do that. I obsess about all the details. I live the scenes in my head. When I do it right, I live each scene through each character. I do research on things that might come up in my story, or things I think the MC is into, even if those things don't make it into the book. I make playlists, and find pictures.
I read the book with character one in mind, and then character two, and so on . . .

But I know I CAN write fast, and so sometimes, it makes me want to write everything fast. Sometimes I push things out, that need more "thinking" time. More "daydreaming" time.

I sat down and wrote out my "What I wrote in 2011" just for fun.

Here are the COMPLETE first drafts from last year:

Manipulation
Night Sky
The Things We Carry
Knee Deep
Dizzy (joint)
Finding Amanda
Jennie
Displacement
Iris #1

I got to the halfway point on four novels:
Mia's Story
Ryan's story
Grace/Nica/DeLacey (this one I'm purposefully writing SLOWLY - I hope it doesn't get finished for at least another year)
Katee/David/Lance

Yes, my books are named after characters until I find the thread I need for the title.

I did revisions on these:
Night Sky - polished and in the hands of agent magic
Displacement - I THINK it's ready for my agent - OR I need another reader.
Insight - two major rewrites, now with a beta reader
Manipulation - polished and ready, waiting for book one to be ready, which is Insight
Joy - polished and in hands of agent magic
Dizzy - polished and in hands of agent magic
Knee Deep - polished and in the hands of agent magic
Finding Amanda - polished, but now re-thinking
Jennie - gone through one reader. Need to find another one (anyone want to read a unique genie/three-wishes YA story for me? Alternating POV?)
After All - minor revisions (a book I wrote in 2010, just got back from a reader - nearly ready for my publisher)

I'm actually embarrassed to put all this up here. It just feels . . . weird.

And for some reason I feel the need to keep pushing.
Really??

At what point is enough, enough??

I KNOW I push myself too hard. I know this.
The problem is that I like it. I like pushing through things. I love the sense of accomplishment.
I love reading and re-reading and living and breathing a book, but I need a break from them, and the only way to make THOSE voices shut up, is to let new voices in.

The thing is. If I'd written half of one novel last year, that would have been an awesome accomplishment.
If I'd written twice as many as I did - that, too, would have been a major accomplishment.

But do you know how I feel?

I feel like that quote I shared from Wintergirls.

“The number doesn't matter. If I got down to 070.00, I'd want to be 065.00. If I weight 010.00, I wouldn't be happy until I got down to 005.00. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls


The thing is - I'm HAPPY. My house isn't perfect, but it's okay.
My brain is often only half-present, but I've always been that way - at least I have an excuse now.
I hang with my kids in the tee-pee my husband built for them (real sticks that shed on the floor) and we play legos, and when Jack gets his Wii time, I snuggle with him on the couch and work away on the computer (like right now - I'm writing this to the background music of Lego - Pirates of the Caribbean).


It's not perfect, but it works.
Mostly.
I still need to S.L.O.W. D.O.W.N.
But you know what? I'm a work in progress.


So, even though I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions - because you can make a change at ANY freaking time - my goal this year is to slow down.


Well, and take my vitamins.
Oh. And to be better about exercising . . . ;-O


I'd like to know one thing you hope for this year - and it would be cool if it was introspective, and relied wholly on YOU.
Saying you want an agent or a book deal or whatever, that's great, but out of your control.
I want to hear about something that's IN your control.
Or tell me a knock-knock joke. Because the banana one is getting REALLY old.